Covert Emotional Abuse and Narcissistic Parents: Breaking Free from the Invisible Chains
Many people think of abuse as something obvious—yelling, hitting, or bullying. But sometimes, abuse is more subtle, hidden beneath the surface. This type is called covert emotional abuse. It’s sneaky and difficult to spot, especially when it happens in families. When the abuser is a parent, the damage can last into adulthood. It can affect relationships and the way we see ourselves.
What Is Covert Emotional Abuse?
Covert emotional abuse doesn’t involve loud fights or clear-cut harm. Instead, it’s quiet and disguised as “love” or “protection.” For example, a narcissistic parent might tell their child, “I know what’s best for you." What they’re doing is controlling the child’s life. Children need to be seen and mirrored. A narcissistic parent might reverse the direction of that mirroring, and use the child for their own reflection. Narcissistic parents believe that everything is about them. They need constant admiration and will use manipulation to get it, often making their children feel guilty, unworthy, or invisible.
This form of emotional abuse is confusing. From the outside, everything looks normal. But the child grows up feeling like they’re never good enough, like they must earn love, even from their own parents.
The Long-Term Impact
When someone grows up in this kind of environment, it can affect their ability to form healthy relationships as an adult. This is because their sense of self-worth is damaged. They may feel unworthy of love and find it hard to trust others. The need to please, necessary for survival in childhood, often carries over into adult relationships.
Codependence: The Aftermath
Many grown children of narcissistic parents develop codependent behaviors. Codependence is about excessively putting others’ needs above their own. Just as their parent did to them in childhood, they neglect their own well-being. This happens because, growing up, their worth was tied to making their parent happy. As adults, they may enter relationships where they give too much. Their unconscious motivation is to receive for love or approval in return. Unfortunately, this often leads to unbalanced, unhealthy relationships. They often end up taken for granted, and don't achieve their intended result. In a codependent relationship, the person who is codependent often feels responsible for the other person’s feelings and problems. They might think, “If I don’t help them, they’ll leave me.” This can lead to staying in toxic relationships out of fear of being alone.
How to Heal
The good news is that healing is possible. Recognizing that you grew up with covert emotional abuse is the first step. Many people don’t realize this until later in life, so if this sounds familiar to you, know that you’re not alone.
Therapy can help break the cycle of codependence by uncovering the roots of these behaviors. In holistic psychotherapy you can learn how to set boundaries. This skill alone is a game-changer. You and your therapist can help you build self-esteem. The goal is to allow you to create healthy, balanced relationships. Understanding that you are worthy of love and respect, as you are, is a powerful part of the healing journey.
It’s also important to practice self-care. Taking time to focus on your own needs, interests, and well-being can feel strange at first. Not surprising if you’ve always put others first. Over time, it helps rebuild the sense of self that was lost in childhood.
Poem by an Anonymous Survivor of Covert Emotional Abuse
Included below is a poem written by a young woman healing from covert emotional abuse. The perpetrator was her father, who exhibited narcissistic traits. It is shared here with her permission. Her experience and process healing are powerful and demonstrative.
Moving Forward
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave deep emotional scars. However, it doesn’t define your future. When you understand the effects of covert emotional abuse, you can learn to break free from codependence. You can build stronger, healthier relationships. You can finally give yourself the love and care you deserve. The road to healing is not easy, but it is possible—and it begins with recognizing your own worth.
Getting Help
If you feel like this post describes your experience growing up, we invite you to reach out for support from a therapist. The holistic therapists at Rezak Therapy are available for a free consultation call.
