Seeing the Dance While its Happening

Most couples follow continued patterns of conflict. Person A says or does “X”, which triggers Person B to feel “Y” and to say or do “Z”. Then Person A is triggered too, so they react as well, and and so on and so on. It unlocks an unfortunate repetitive pattern of events, or as Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, describes; the dance. There is probably not much listening going on. It happens again. And then again. Sometimes for months or years. Albert Einstein tells us “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that most couples, or you, are insane. However, a lot of partnerships begin couples counseling because they are stuck in such a dance. The challenge for the partners is that they are in it, so they can’t see it. The dance is happening. One foot follows the other. Each partner feels the other is leading. Without stepping back with a birds-eye view, the only thing that changes is the speed at which a seemingly simple statement or question morphs into an explosive impasse. It can be incredibly frustrating and feel completely out of control.

As an Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapist I invite couples to slow down the dialogue, pay attention to what is happening in their physical bodies, notice what emotions are present, and listen to the narrative that is playing in their heads. Since our culture does not typically celebrate expression of emotion, sometimes we can have a difficult time identifying just what we are feeling. 

Have a look at the feelings wheel. Start at the outside and work your way in to one of the six primary emotions. Perhaps you and your partner can distinguish the nuances of your emotional states during your dance together.

Recognizing and owning our emotions can feel destabilizing. And it may seem counter-intuitive to imagine sharing them with your partner once the dance begins. I get it, the dance feels anything but safe. That’s where I come in. Together, we will create an environment of mutual safety. That happens first, before anyone is asked to be vulnerable. In a safe space, with some rules of engagement, you may be surprised to find what lies underneath. For yourself. For your partner. And that is where growth and change are born.